Walking Contradiction

Half of the time I see myself at UCLA if I get into their Library Science program, where I would have to own a car again and somehow afford simple living in a bigger and more expensive city.  The other half of the time I see myself at one of the smaller (west-coast only) schools that I am applying to for the same program in a place that is smaller and cleaner.  My realist side knows I want to live somewhere with a big yard and where I can bike year-round.  I did my undergrad in the middle of the ghetto (Olney) and moved to Northern Liberties before it was the "cool" place to be.  I think it is only natural that I crave nature and even isolation at times. But, I won't bike or let alone be outside for more than two minutes unless it is 60 plus degrees.  I will turn into an unapologetic raging bitch as a matter of fact, and I'm getting pissed off just thinking about it.  I lead a pretty simple lifestyle, with the exception of as many adventures I can afford and fit in, and don't give a shit about material things with the exception of books.  You can't put a price on peace of mind and putting an end to restlessness and even the warmth here isn't coming close to providing either.  

This time last year I was in California falling in love with a beautiful introvert who somehow turned my stone heart much softer.  This time this year I am an overly emotional crazy mess, left wondering if anybody ever really knows anybody.  I think technology has ruined true forms of human communication and am craving a weekend away alone somewhere, to just think and reflect on the multitude of intense emotions that run through me constantly.  When did it become so wrong and so impossible to have a couple hours to yourself with no interruptions?  My time to make decisions that will pretty much define the next couple years of my life is getting shorter and shorter.  This icon of a red hourglass that I always perceive in the back of my mind terrifies me along with these spurts of intense determination that always pass a little too quickly.  I don't understand why I always act like I'm so emotionally strong and untouchable when the truth is that I find visible happiness and sadness to be the most amazing thing in the world.  The other morning I was reading the Metro and there was an article about a dog fighting ring that was broken up and the picture above the article made me cry in public.  A damn picture of a happy puppy literally had me wiping tears off my face at 8am on the el.  Of course I put sunglasses on so I didn't look like a total nutjob- but everyone was too busy looking at their phones to notice anyway.  What is my point?  I don't really feel like having one right now, I'm stressed with deadlines at work and just felt like rambling.  I'm also very seriously considering getting botox in my armpits for overactive sweat glands.  What I can wear to work and in real life is limited, I have some problem that if any material is sitting on that part of my body, there are massive sweat stains in less than 5 minutes, even in air conditioning.  Yeah...some people have real problems.  Maybe I should just figure out myself before worrying if someone else is going to fit into the life I envision for 2 people.  I guess I can always get a dog if I have to sleep alone.